Friday, January 12, 2018

Make This Your Best Year Ever

There are two primary factors that produce happiness. Surprisingly, they don't include wine, beer, coffee, chocolate, travel, exercise, shopping, sex, or sunshine, despite the pleasure rush such things can stimulate. This brief post will reveal the happiness prescription. Readers who choose to swallow these profound pills rather than merely looking for superficial thrills can make 2018 their best year ever.

The first happiness factor is gratitude. Grateful people savor the taste of steak and asparagus when they have it but appreciate the high fiber and cost effectiveness of rice and beans when that's on the menu. They squeeze maximum joy from what they have. They don't lose the happiness of the present moment by whining about what they don't have but hope to have in some future moment. Ambition is good. Discontent is a contageous disease and a buzz killer and a kill joy. Gratitude is the attitude of the happy.

The second happiness producer is forgiveness. Happy folks forgive those who screw them to avoid letting bitterness poison their hearts and ruin their life party. Forgiveness doesn't require naivete. One need not live in a fantasyland where all people are good or are merely hurt people who hurt people. Humans do some sick shit. Still, a little humility about one's own fuckups and accepting heaven's mercy can make it easier to pardon other criminals. Give it a try.

Nevertheless, forgiveness doesn't negate consequences, as many syrupy religious folks pretend. A truly repentant child molester can be forgiven. However, one never has the right to let such babysit children, who are the precious diamonds heaven scatters upon our world to remind us what we once were and should aspire to be again. Thus, happy people can have big ambitions and high standards, but they appreciate life's generosities and forgive life's injustices. 

Gratitude and forgiveness are the real secrets of happiness. Yet, they're also components of a spiritual character that cannot be immediately purchased or injected. It must be chosen. It must be cultivated. It must be protected. It must be renewed. Whether you are choosing it or just renewing it, do so now and make the common expression "Happy New Year" a year-long reality. 

Monday, December 18, 2017

Dreaming Of A Brown Christmas

You may remember Bono of U2 singing a catchy Christmas tune with some condescending lyrics: "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas. Do they even know that it's Christmastime at all? Feed the world. Let them know it's Christmastime." How profound! You see, brown equatorial folks cannot really grasp that it's Christmas, unless northern white folks send them a sleighload of gifts, because they don't have snow, plus their fridges aren't overstuffed with processed carbs or expiring produce like American fridges. Poor brownies!

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

My Glorious Sissy-Unapproved Death Wish

Riding my brand new motorcycle in the rain without a helmet down the twisting jungle road that leads to my university is clearly life threatening, but less so than your regular assisted suicide that your regular Euro-sissy regularly insists you have a right to. So, I'm clearly within my rights. As I speed past palm trees and sugar plantations, I thank God that Mexico is the kind of place that offers fewer safety helmets but more wind in your hair. My beloved mother is dead. I sure as hell don't want any politico presuming to take her place, whether offering the ruler to spank or the breast to suck.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Horny Harvey and Steamy Beastiality

My first taste of steamy hot beastiality took place at the home of archaeologist Ann Cyphers on the very site where humans first tasted steamy hot chocolate. I probably need to explain that statement. Near Texistepec, Veracruz, Mexico lie the ruins of the first city in the Americas, where Olmec shamanic leaders drank cocoa then smashed their cups to dedicate the settlement. That party made history.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Wanted: University Teachers and Aspiring Authors

My university in Oaxaca, Mexico is seeking to expand its fine communication department by hiring two new instructors for February of 2018. This is one of the most secure and rewarding teaching opportunities in all Latin America. The main responsiblity is equipping warm, funny, and humble students with English communication skills during three one-hour classes each weekday. Our instructors are allowed to use the rest of their workday authoring travel stories and magazine articles. Teachers are assisted in getting their work published and are provided an office on our lovely campus to inspire their maximum creativity.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Stephen King Gets IT Right

The new film version of Stephen King's novel It captivates viewers with adorable children and horrible apparitions, but the real demons that torment kids are clearly identified, despite the cryptic title. The spawn from hell are broken dysfunctional families (and they are legion). Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy put it thus: "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Washing the Blood Off My Hands

I've had blood on my hands twice in 24 hours. I was dining last night with author Rick Skwiot in a Brazilian churrascaria when the first blood spilled. We were just finishing our salads. I dipped broccoli, carrots, tomatoes and mushrooms in succulent olive oil swirled with balsamic vinegar, which looked like the separated red cells and plasma that flowed from the spear piercing of the crucified Jesus. Rick queried about the wine list for more sangre de cristo, but they offered only Sangre de Toro. Not good enough to wash away sins, but good enough to wash away the memory of sins.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Curvaceous Rides and Straight Razors

We weave and whirl amidst shaggy green mountains. Fern-draped springs cascade on the left and bottomless cliffs drop off on the right. We’re flung back and forth. A gray squiggle highway ascends the knobby spine of the Americas through dense Sierra Norte wilderness. Our van abruptly halts.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Exploring a Jungle Devoid of Wild Animals

Nothing smells as fresh and fertile as cool rain in the jungle - except for my woman, but we are not discussing her right now. Dripping and cascading from every direction, rinsing and polishing the leaves to a shiny vibrant green from the treetops downward. A rainforest canopy is Doctor God's version of an oxygen tent. I'm a lucky permanent resident in this sanitarium.