Friday, June 16, 2017

Maybe America Should Just Divorce

California and New York (or Sodom and Gomorrah as they're called by their Christian names) are a different world from middle America, and it may be time for the barely united states to divorce over irreconcilable differences. This could be a good thing. I'll never forget the day a Bible belt woman told me that she didn't know where I could find a pub and wouldn't help me locate the devil's brew if she did. Okay, sorry I asked. Nor the night when a festival crowd in my native California glared at me as an irredeemable hater, because I softly declined a transgender's bullying insistence to dance. Unity isn't always desirable or possible.

Still, yesterday I witnessed a miracle of unity and love on CNN: Democrat Chuck Schumer and Republican Mitch McConnell acting like buds at the congressional baseball game. What produced this miraculous love-in? Nothing motivates congressmen to oppose partisan violence more than discovering they're the targets. Poor homies and rednecks are acceptable collateral damage. But a civil war that puts a bullet in a congressman's ass goes too far. (I would suggest we merely attach battery cables to their nipples until they get some work done.) That congressman is a valued spouse and parent, but so are most of the casualties in this escalating civil war that media and politicos consider a game.

Left and right wingers are brutally torturing enemy combatants. Obama forced farmers to fund the ghoulish dissections and body part auctions of Planned Parenthood. Trump expects hippies to accept his withdrawl from the Paris climate accord plus the end of the world they expect to follow.

Consider the dirty bombs set off in this dirty civil war. During the recent campaign, Republicans scored cheap points with underemployed workers by promising Mexico's unlikely and unnecessary funding for the border security wall. Since the election, Democrats have been attempting a coup by any means possible. First, there was nonstop media coverage of a Trump/Russia conspiracy they had no hard evidence for, combined with a conspiracy of silence among Washington insiders who knew it was mostly untrue. Then, there was illegal dishonorable leaking by the Comey cabal to force a special investigation that would at least disable the government till the next election.

Now, we see respectable lawyers (who yawn at protective custody deals for mafia hitmen snitches) spending fortunes of taxpayer money that won't go to schools for poor children or medicine for sick elders or defense against crazy jihadists to investigate whether Trump whispered that he hopes America won't devote its dwindling resources to prosecuting the emotionally-unstable war hero Flynn. Yeah, that's the big scandal now threatening America: a former casino and strip-joint mafioso showed some legally-inappropriate compassion for his veteran bud. I'm sure the righteous lawyers are as horrified as we all are.

As the wise historian said, "A great civilization is not conquered from without, until it has destroyed itself from within." If America wants bloodless coups, followed by bloody coups, followed by take-no-prisoners war, followed by collapse, long departed Romans and Mayans testify that we can surely have it. However, partitioning the coasts from the prairies (like India from Pakistan and Bangladesh) might avert a coming dark age of mutual destruction. If we can't make America great again, wouldn't a bitter divorce and moving on with our lives be better than beating each other to a pulp in front of the children?

I know my musings are odd and inappropriate, because I missed the meeting where God announced that America is his favorite and indivisible country. But should he ever unexplainably change his mind, it's something to think about. The only other option is for Americans to change their minds and the cycle of human history by truly respecting other folks' right to think, speak, and vote. That miracle would make the ancient Romans and Mayans stand up in their tombs and applaud.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Next Book: Primeval Woods & Primordial Stones

A crocodile thrashes beneath me. The squawking and dripping of the rainforest where Mel Gibson filmed Apocalypto and Sean Connery filmed Medicine Man surround three sides of my cozy wood cabin that overhangs a lily-choked shore and overlooks a mist-shrouded isle broadcasting monkey chatter across the glassy lake. It’s Christmas in the jungle. The lush fertility extends to a curvaceous young form peacefully dozing under the blanket beside me and deeply inhaling from the cool oxygenated air. I recall a perfect day.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Eastern and Western Genital Mutilators

Deep within a cave on a remote mountain sits a bushy-bearded Asian jihadist who shares the outlook of a bushy-underarmed American feminist ensconced within the safe space of a modern university. Both are proud genital mutilation advocates. Seeming a world apart, they nevertheless carry the same sacred fire from down below, with the road to hell paved by their culturally-approved "good" intentions. Let me explain why all moral folks must reject such patriarchs and matriarchs. This is not for the squeamish.

Friday, April 21, 2017

How to Construct a Contented Life

My smug happiness annoys some people. That's fair. Their neurotic misery sometimes annoys me. Newsflash: I'm not going to give up my inappropriately bubbly bliss to make whiners more comfortable. Not gonna happen. Yet, I do feel a moral obligation to reveal those secrets of contentment I unintentionally and undeservedly stumbled upon. Here goes.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Rattlesnake Musings and Manta Ray Moments

After I bent over and lifted a dusty rock, a fat coiled rattlesnake glared and hissed within easy striking distance of my face. The day could've easily been my last. I was a two-mile desert walk from the highway, then a thirty-minute hitched ride from a Mexican doctor, whose Spanish questions I could barely comprehend and answer on a good day without venom surging thru my veins. I froze in terror. Then I backed my head and torso away at the speed of tree growth, over the longest meter I've ever crossed, while the slit eyes and forked tongue bobbed menacingly.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Kong Is Still The King

Kong: Skull Island allows cinema chair travelers to escape the urban jungle for that more authentic kind. A cliche storyline of explorers venturing deep onto an uncharted island doesn't rain on the fun of this neo-primal rainforest experience. The casting of Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, Tian Jing, and John Goodman offers a pleasurable balance of both action and characters.

Monday, March 6, 2017

I Officially Declare Myself A Woman

In my long and masculine life, I never considered identifying as a woman - until now. Yet, I'm sure of my decision. In fact, I wish this option had existed in the oppressive days of my youth. Let me explain. If I had been given a chance to live as a chick in high school, I wouldn't have begged cheerleaders to give me the time of day. In the locker room, I'd simply have asked them to pass me the soap. Plus, with me in the shower, those budding babes wouldn't have had to wonder about where they could hang the towels.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Don't Cover Up Marine Le Pen

A Muslim leader refuses to meet with French politico Marine Le Pen unless she wears a headscarf. A Mormon friend of mine won't dine with people who order beer. Some gays demand Catholic caterers plan their wedding. Many feminists insist Protestant taxpayers must fund their abortion.

In a globalized world, tribes and faiths must intermingle. For everyone to have the right to live their moral convictions, nobody can have the right to make others do so. I prefer that all women who meet with me wear the neckline shown on young Le Pen in this photo.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Hollywood's Great Wall and Great Gall

Matt Damon's latest film offers both epic ambition and epic hypocrisy. This movie seeks global profit by teasing the Asian market with local lore (China's wall) and an American audience with local controversy (Trump's wall). Yet, it still condemns profit seeking. To do this, it descends into politically-correct racism (Asians are loving collectivists while Europeans are greedy individualists) and even some contradictory old-school racism (said utopic society still can't defend itself without the brilliance, courage, and technology of white savior Damon). Plus, all this is from critically respected director Zhang Yimou.